Journal

This is a place of Christian introspection where, perhaps, someone might learn by my struggles.  I have no idea how often I am going to post here… whether it will be regular or not.  I hope to get some insight into myself by doing this.  A also hope it will settle me some.

Tuesday, Aug 19, 2008 – 7:50 p.m.

Well, a week has gone by since I posted in this journal and longer since I posted to the body of this blog. It was a long week. Since I ha repented, I have had two visits from fellow church members soming to see how we we doing and to talk about the friction at church. I am hoping that our problems have brought to light the truth and some people might be burdened as I to repent of entertaining people in church. The lack of attendance at our church has been hard.

Coupled with this change, God has burdened us to remove the television from our living room. Now it is a sitting area for fellowshipping and all chairs are not turned to the huge idol on one side of the room. We didn’t do it for legalistic reasons… finally the scripture “put NO UNCLEAN THING before your eyes.” That’s not a vague statement… we are exorted to more and more holy living. There was no good thing about it… it was filling our hearts and minds with trash and filthy sin. Even when the show is not viloent or sexual, it is about glorifying MAN and his wants, desires and appetites. That is sin… we are to be glorifying God and not ourselves.

Anyway, it has not been easy… it has left a hole. Kind of jonesing like when I quit smoking. The flesh was screaming at times. It is, however, a good thing. The devil is mad… mad as spit. We just removed a huge foothold he had in our lives. I don’t like to magnify him, but if you do this be sure you will come under spiritual attack. It is getting better, but I am convinced it’s not over. I will probably post about it tomorrow on the main blog.

I finally got my official seminary acceptance from the Dean at Southern. They were a little concerned that I was not saved when I was 9 years old… so you can read between the lines. I have a few sin scars. Praise God he felt that the fruits of salvation were evident and that they would like for me to attend. Praise Him… praise God… with Him all things, indeed, are possible.

God bless you all.

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 – 11:33 a.m.

Well… As is with any Christian walk, it will involve chastening and repentance. After prayer and discussion I have decided to take down my video on Muscle Men in Church. I continue to stand behind the preaching that I did in the video. I also do not apologize for the burden, frustration and sometimes anger that I feel toward this method of evangelism, for I feel this burden is directly given to me by God. I am repenting because of the following reasons:

1) I did not go and see my pastor and seek to go about church discipline methods commanded by our lord… the video was “out of order” in a biblical and, therefore, divine sense
2) This was a breach in submission to the authority (the Pastor) I am obliged to submit to as long as I am a member of my church. If I had left before, then things might be different.
3) I did not consider the larger pictre of the possibility it might “have the appearance of evil” whuich we are to avoid. The video , released in light of the first two points, could be percieved as harsh, arrogant, angry, and thereby fail to bring Glory to God.

Additionally, I have gone back and redacted certain portions of my posts and journal as they were “airing dirty laundry” that ought not be aired. While someone may actually benefit from witnessing the struggle I (and my church) now faces, it is something that is best left for the private sharing when it is clear that it would bring only glory to Him. The fully public sharing of such information is not edifying to the body of Christ.

I do believe that God is sovereign… and through my learning and repenting that someone that needed to see this video or read my words did see them and that God got glory out of it. Someone was supposed to see it, I think. That person (or persons) were touched in some way by the truth, despite the error I made in the process.

Furthermore, I believe that God will get glory out of my repentance and the witness it bears.

Praise God… praise Jesus.

Saturday, Aug 9, 2008 – 6:56 p.m.

Wow… I just got back from the Soverign Grace Bible Conference. Wow… I mean… WOW! It was absolutely awesome. I have never experienced such annointed prasie and worship… I mean like EVER. This was no Pentacostal church… this was 100% annointed by God. Such sound doctrine and annointed preaching. It was nice to know that we aren’t the only people on the face of the planet that we believe. I am edified and uplifted and encouraged. Our God IS a soverign God and He is still on the throne. Praise Him! The website is www.sovereigngracebibleconference.org

Saturday, Aug 2, 2008 – 4:22 p.m.

I just found out I am accepted to Southern Seminary!!! Woohoo. I found out Thursday. I am really stoked and intimidated all at the same time. I am excited about the education because I feel it will sharpen the sword God has given me. I start in two weeks with five classes. Yikes! I trust God will give me the time and the strength to accomplish it. I start Hebrew an Intro to the Old Testament, Church History and Syestematic Theology. Woohoo. Who would have thought two years ago that I’d be here today. God is SO GOOD. He really takes to broken and makes them His own.

I am working my tail off to get ready to leave for a few days to attend the Soverign Grace Bible Conference ins Lexington KY. It is a predominantly black group of reformed (Calvinist) preachers and sheep and I am SO excited. We need the retreat as I have been under a fair amount of spiritual attack. I am at a pretty strange place… yielding to God… beginning to understand how much He expects from me… and my flesh feeling a mourning over thing I must give up and the other part of my spirit singing that God will indeed sanctify me and I will grow because He decrees it. I think I am at a ripe place coming up on this 4 solid days of preaching about a sovereign God.

Say a quick prayer for us that God have His way with us.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 – 11:28 a.m.

I have just awoken and I am not feeling well today.  I awoke with a feeling of panic and dread.  There are sometimes my dreams are very repetitive and disturbing.  I am feeling anxiety and depression creeping in.  Of course, my mind tells me that if I really had faith and I were spiritually right, I would not feel this way.  I would awaken thrilled to be God’s servant knowing that I was in His hands and that feeling would settle in deep in my gut and I could whistle all the day long.  But that’s not what’s in my gut.  What’s in my gut is a football.

There’s a lot going on right now.  I have some ENORMOUS financial things going on and I am afraid.  It is a major lesson in not loving the world… way bigger than I would care to learn.  Our business is at the height of it’s productivity and "buzyness" and sometimes it feels as if it controls us… it’s like herding cats.  My kids are here for the summer and are about to go home… it was a tough one as I just lost a custody battle.  I also gained about 10 pounds while they were here and I feel fat and gluttonous.   I quit smoking about 4 or 5 months ago and that hasn’t helped either.  The stress wants to make me be "oral" I think.  I haven’t had urges to smoke lately… though even if I do I know it’s no longer my nature anymore and is a futile gesture anyway… there is no pleasure in it anymore.

I am sort of feeling the burden of not being mine anymore and starting to grasp that God expects EVERYTHING from me… He wants my perfect obedience.  My flesh is freaking out about that a bit.  I have to introduce a motion this week about regenerate church membership… cleaning up our roles.  I am in this for the long haul I think… it’s God teaching me how to be "graceful" despite being absolutely on fire inside with passion… figuring out how to walk thin lines.

Ya know, I have noticed a trend over the past couple of years.  When I get spiritually active… when God uses me to do His work… I tend to suffer bouts of depression and anxiety.  I am coming to believe this is no accident… I think it is a result of spiritual warfare.  I mean, I should feel great when I am out there advancing the Kingdom… right?  It almost never works that way.  It seems that directly following much activity…. oh… like making 5 you tupobe videos and really launching this blog… I get depressed.  Hmmmm.

At least I know what it is… makes it easier to deal with.